Anxiety is Grief’s Unwelcome Companion
Your worst nightmare came true. You lost someone you love.
Death reminds us of the finality of life. We normally push that bitter awareness out of our conscious mind. Most people don’t think about death until it walks in, uninvited, to remind us that everything that matters to us will eventually go away. It doesn’t mean you didn’t know people die. It just means that up to this point, you weren’t expecting it to happen to you.
Fears of Losing Other People
After a loss, we find ourselves wondering when the next shoe will drop. And that’s normal. When something bad and unexpected happens, it changes our sense of safety. It changes our perception of the world as a safe place. It becomes a place where terrible things can happen and no one is safe. It’s common to feel like you now see more tragedy on the news or hear more accounts of loss. Our minds become hyper focused on loss because it is trying to make sense of our experience. You may feel worried about losing more people and become overly protective of them.
It’s Grief Season
Unfortunately, we sometimes experience a series of losses during a period of time. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but some of us - myself included - may lose a few people over the course of a few years or months. For instance, it is not uncommon for an elderly couple to die months apart. It is not uncommon for the loss of a partner to culminate in secondary losses - loss of income, moving, changing schools, changes in relationships. mental illness, etc.
Thoughts About the Deceased
You might feel anxious about not knowing where and how they are. You might feel anxiety about the afterlife, their last hours, or even if they will get into heaven (if you believe in it). Because we live in a society that is still learning to talk about death, we often have more questions than answers. It is normal to have questions and concerns. Not all questions have answers-there are things which are still a mystery to most people. Follow your curiosity whenever possible.
Anxiety is a Terrible Predictor of the Future
When it comes to loss, the only thing we can be certain of is that we can’t predict it. We cannot claim to know when and how people are going to die. There are losses that can be predicted and avoided. But when it comes to the death of a person, an animal and even of a relationship, it is hard to predict let alone to keep it from happening. And, if you think back you might realize that anxiety didn’t warn you about your loss. Maybe your intuition told you something was wrong right before you got the phone call. Maybe you felt a heaviness in your chest the day before it happened. But anxiety did not bug you again and again for weeks or days about the prospect of this loss. And even if you were concerned about losing your person (let’s say, you know they were abusing substances or drunk driving, for example), anxiety still couldn’t predict when and how it would happen.
That’s because anxiety is very bad at predicting the future. Think about all the things you have stressed about, and how many were actually as bad as you thought. Anxiety is about control; it is an attempt to feel a sense of control-which makes sense considering how out of control grief can feel. But we can’t control death.
What is Anxiety’s Role?
It is normal to feel anxious about experiencing more losses. It is OK to feel anxious. It just means you care about the people around you, and you don’t want to lose them.
Think of anxiety as a friend who tries to warn you about losing things that are important to you. Although it is a protective emotion, anxiety takes you out of the present as you try to “control” the future. It can be a good distraction from the pain of grief, sometimes. But, overall, its main role is to remind you of what you hold near and dear to your heart!
How to Manage Anxiety After Loss
Anxiety is a part of you that communicates either through thoughts or sensations. I normally feel a pinching sensation in the pit of my stomach accompanied by a feeling of dread. Some people feel pressure in the chest, like it’s closing in. Others get a trembling, shaky feeling. Then a chain of thoughts begin, and the bodily sensations become more intense.
In order to manage your anxiety, begin by pausing and checking in with your body.
You might want to use a journal to answer the following prompts:
Where do you feel the anxiety?
Describe the sensations it brings to your awareness.
Notice your anxiety. Does it have a color, a shape, a temperature?Name it!
Think of anxiety as a part of you, this little friend who shows up every once in a while to remind you of important things.
Give it a name.
If you are able to, imagine what anxiety looks like - a person, an animal, a child, a plant, a shape, the anxiety character from Inside Out.
Does it have an origin story?
When do you remember feeling anxious for the first time?
What was happening around you?
What job did anxiety do back then?Ask anxiety what it needs from you.
Yes, you heard me.
Anxiety is a younger part of you that needs something from you in the here and now.
Does it need reassurance?
Does it need to feel safe?
Does it need to hear something you needed to hear from your folks when you were little?
If it needs reassurance, tell anxiety that you are there for it and you are not going anywhere. You will do what you can to protect yourself and the ones you love. If it needs control, make a list of the things you’ve taken care of this week and show anxiety that you are in control of what you can control.
You can even recite the serenity prayer or a mantra that brings a sense of calm and safety such as “right here, right now, I am safe.”
The last thing you want to do is appreciate anxiety for doing what it can to protect you!
Feel the warmth of gratitude within and thank anxiety for reminding you that there are people and things in the world that mean so much to you.
Living With The End In Mind
This might sound counterintuitive and even gloomy, but accepting that bad things happen and that people die can be very freeing. In the world of end of life care, we call this “living with the end in mind.” It means that you might forego an unnecessary argument, be more compassionate, more present and loving in the here and now. I can also be expressed as planning for adversity and for the end of life - so your loved ones don’t have to.
The fact is: we are all going to die.
We just don’t know when. It’s what we leave behind - the memories, the artwork, the letters, the lessons - that matter the most. Because when someone dies, they are gone, but not lost if only we have a place for them in our hearts and memories.
How do you wish to be remembered? How do you want to remember the relationships you have with your loved ones?
Hello, I’m Marcia. I work with individuals who are grieving the loss of a loved one. This is sacred work and I feel privileged to walk this path alongside you.
Grieving is a profoundly personal and often overwhelming journey. But you don’t have to walk it alone. I’m here to support you as you find your way through the sorrow, and begin to adjust to a new reality shaped by your loss. I am a grief counselor in training, deeply committed to walking alongside individuals and couples navigating grief or anticipatory loss—with compassion, presence, and care.
