Ask A Therapist: Romantic Partner Edition
Will Palmer, LMSW answers common questions couples therapists get.
My partner and I try to do what everyone says: we communicate but just end up fighting. It makes me feel hopeless that just trying to talk makes it worse.
Will: First off, I am so appreciative of resilient people who know that change can be good, even if it isn’t good at first. Bad patterns are hard to break on their own so having a set back when getting out of your comfort zone to fix things can be exhausting.
“Communicate” is one of those bits of advice that’s far easier said than done. If you and your partner get too heated during discussion, you could try a few things.
Take a break – this is very basic and it can help! Unfortunately, in practice it can be harmful without intention. Try to set a time to come back together. This helps with anxiety that could come with wondering if someone is walking away from the conversation for now, the conversation forever, or even the other person forever. It doesn’t have to be exact, just an estimate if you can.
When apart, think about how to be vulnerable. Most people know about “I” statements – saying how things effect you – vulnerability is the “why.” As hard as it is to be open about how someone hurt you, it’s harder to fight when you build a culture of vulnerability and openness in your relationship.
Set rules to make sure you are listening. Rules can feel forced and formal, and sticking to them, especially in the beginning, helps break unhelpful patterns. Easy rules to facilitate understanding are:
Let each other know when you’re done speaking.
The listener, before speaking, repeats a quick summary of what the other person just said.
The speaker clarifies or verifies that they have been heard.
This prevents one of the most common pitfalls in difficult discussions. It stops people from talking past one another. It helps people feel heard, which, in turn, helps them listen more compassionately to the other person, knowing that their feelings matter enough to be heard, even when the other person is upset and also desperately needs to be heard.
My husband is a baby. I don't know how else to put it. 6 months ago, everything was fine. We got along well, shared responsibilities, finances, and respect. We weren’t perfect, but we were much better. Then, I got a new job. When I told him I got it, he was happy for me. We even started planning a little celebratory dinner. I was excited to see his face light up again when I told him we could pick an expensive spot because of the second surprise – my new salary. I didn’t tell him before because I didn’t want to jinx it. Now I wish I hadn’t told him at all. He’s bitter and passive aggressive – doing little things like getting quiet when the check comes at dinner. I don’t want him to feel ashamed, but I am not going to change my career over his bruised ego.
Will: A lot of people imagine relationship therapists spend their days helping couples find compromises. Sometimes that's true. Other times, the issue isn't finding a middle ground. It's figuring out whether someone's behavior is creating a problem that needs to be addressed.
What stands out to me is that you aren't describing a husband who was always unsupportive. You're describing someone who celebrated your success six months ago and now seems to resent it. That's painful. Success is often something couples expect to enjoy together, so it can be confusing and lonely when an accomplishment that should bring you closer suddenly creates distance.
Sometimes insecurity shows up in obvious ways. Other times it looks like passive-aggressive comments, withdrawal, or silence when someone feels threatened, inadequate, or left behind. Understanding where the behavior comes from can help explain it, but it doesn't make it okay.
It sounds like you already know one thing for certain: you are not willing to make yourself smaller to protect someone else's ego. That's an important boundary to hold.
I would encourage a conversation that focuses less on the paycheck itself and more on what your new role means to each of you. What fears has it brought up for him? What assumptions is he making about his worth, his role in the relationship, or the future? What support would help him feel more secure without asking you to sacrifice your growth?
If he is willing to look honestly at those questions, this may be something the two of you can navigate together. If he continues to punish your success rather than celebrate it, then it may be worth asking whether your values and expectations for a partnership are still aligned.
A healthy relationship doesn't require one partner to shrink so the other can feel bigger. Congratulations on the promotion.
I love my SO and their family, but I need to breathe! I feel like a hypocrite because part of what attracted me to them was their tight knit family. When I first met everyone, we all got along so well. I’d say things like, “you always have a place to stay with us!” I did not know that would be taken literally. They stay with us constantly even though they live 20 minutes down the road. I married them, not their family. How can I make it stop?
Will: One of the hardest things about relationships is that sometimes the very thing that attracted us to someone becomes the thing that frustrates us most.
You loved how close your partner was with their family. You saw warmth, connection, and people who genuinely enjoyed being together. What you didn't realize was that "close-knit" can mean very different things to different people.
The problem isn't that you dislike their family. In fact, it sounds like you enjoy them. The problem is that you've discovered you need more privacy and personal space than the current arrangement allows. There is a big difference between loving people and wanting them in your house every weekend.
When conversations about boundaries come up, people often assume the goal is to get less family time. In reality, the goal is usually to find a balance between connection and breathing room.
A helpful place to start is talking about what these visits provide for your partner. Do they feel comforted? Recharged? Supported? Once you understand the need being met, you can start brainstorming other ways to meet it. Maybe more daytime visits, regular family dinners, or planned gatherings would provide the same sense of connection without turning your home into a revolving door.
It's also okay to be honest about your needs. Wanting time alone in your own home doesn't make you selfish, anti-family, or a hypocrite. It makes you human.
The goal isn't to choose between family and boundaries. The goal is to create enough space that you can actually enjoy your time together instead of quietly counting the minutes until everyone leaves.
Will Palmer, LMSW helps romantic partners build healthier, more connected relationships, knowing that meaningful connection fuels personal growth.
Will is supervised by MacKenzie Bradke, LCSW and is licensed to practice in the state of Missouri.
